| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Brand
the beloved continent |
Posted By Binyavanga
Wainaina
The continent-watchers among you may
have heard of Christoph Blocher, a
historian who specialises in making
the Swiss look hard at their World War
II past and see roses. He doubles as
the Swiss justice minister.
Recently he said, “How one should
deal with Africa, I do not know.
Leaving it to itself is one
possibility. Nobody knows how Africa
can be industrialised. Perhaps they
will manage on their own one day.”
And: “We pay $300-million in
development aid to Africa. I don’t
even want to talk about the use of it.
As a businessman I can’t see any.”
And then the light went off! It
occurred to me that there are many who
cannot see the investment
opportunities in Africa. At university
they taught us that every threat is an
opportunity. So I decided to write a
proposal to potential investors, and
to Christoph Blocher, who has
$300-million he does not know what to
do with. The key points are as
follows.
Branded babies: Africa has a surplus
of babies. With birth rates as high as
5% in some places, this is a definite
growth market. As Madonna and Angelina
Jolie’s babies grow, there will be a
demand for colour-contrasted adopted
babies from Africa. Babies could be
sold for hard and useful cash in
Europe and America, where fertility
rates are low.
Misery: India has its gurus and Africa
its misery. We suggest an approach
that is not defensive. Although most
Africans are not wallowing in misery,
most of Europe needs to believe that
we are. We propose to turn this into
an economic opportunity, developing
packages for volunteers needing to
“find themselves” and to pay lots
of money to feed starving children or
“sensitise” people. Merchandising
could be produced -- there are many
possible permutations of misery --
film rights, novels, documentaries.
Many photographers know that
Pulitzer-winning pictures can only be
found where people are too desperate
to care if they are being dehumanised.
This is an excellent opportunity. We
propose a continent-wide licensing of
all major wars, traumas and miserable
events.
Branded nations: Branding is the way
to go. This may be the new form of
nation-building. Madonna is a huge
international brand. Malawi is not.
Madonna loves Malawi. Angelina Jolie
loves Namibia. If Namibia became
“Angelina Jolie’s Republic of
Namibia”, millions of tourists would
come, providing vast merchandising
opportunities. Bottles of desert sand,
Jolie images carved into mountain
ranges. The Brad Pitt National Park.
We could make a fortune.
Speaking clocks for Africa: I am truly
excited by the possibilities of this
venture. I recently learnt, from an
Africa expert, something I have failed
to discover after 36 years of living
in Africa! A few years ago, Andrew
Natsios, then head of the US Agency
for International Development, told
the Boston Globe that Africans
“don’t know what Western time
is”, and that “many people in
Africa have never seen a clock or a
watch in their entire lives. And if
you say, one o’clock in the
afternoon, they do not know what you
are talking about.”
We propose manufacturing, marketing,
branding and selling Talking Clocks
for Africa. The clocks can be
subsidised by USAid, and they can come
in 1 000 spoken African languages, and
be distributed around the continent by
donkey cart and United Nations food
drops (bouncy, hardy clocks made out
of Congo rubber? Designed in
Switzerland maybe?).
White elephants: Africa is the home of
the elephant. Africa is also the home
of the white elephant! Did you know
there is an abandoned fish-processing
plant is the middle of the Kenyan
desert? Built by the Norwegians?
Imagine the opportunity represented by
all the failed grand plans to save
Africa over four decades. Tourists
will buy little collector boxes of the
rubble by the boatload! These are very
valuable mementos: they show how much
so many have cared over the decades.
Timeless rhythm: We are a rhythmic
people and, in fact, it is this
genetic rhythm that makes us dance so
well, and have a care-free attitude
that is much in demand among the youth
of Europe, Japan and China. We can
patent the genes of rhythm and sell
them to Europe.
Extreme sports: This is the world’s
fastest-growing sports brand. Africa
has a competitive advantage: many of
our long-distance athletes start early
by running 10km to school, where they
will be beaten if they are late.
Advanced training begins when they
flee from police, who will not let
them trade in public areas, because
they are “chasing away foreign
investors”. Our police use guns,
rubber bullets, batons, teargas and
M3s.
This would make a thrilling sport for
tourists if they came down to Nairobi,
for example, and bought a hawker’s
permit. Instead of trying to
industrialise by allowing
entrepreneurial Africans to trade
freely and cheaply, and “informal
manufacturers” to manufacture
freely, we can turn the whole thing
into a kind of reality television. Our
ministers will say “clear the
hawkers and the artisans!” and the
police and askaris will give chase!
Those caught will be kicked off the
show.
This draft proposal is addressed to Mr
Christoph Blocher and any other
interested investors. My colleagues
and I can start a company immediately
to manufacture, market, brand and
patent the above to help industrialise
Africa. Please believe in us. An
investment in our scheme of
$300-million per annum will support
sustainability, poverty reduction and
the Millennium Development Goals.
We would be happy to forward you our
CVs. We can all run very fast, we
cannot tell the time and we have
rhythm -- all the skills necessary for
a successful project. Furthermore, we
are happy to work with expensive
European Union consultants who can
take home most of the money you give
us in consultancy fees and hardship
allowances.
We would be quite happy and rich if
you left us with just $2 a day! Not a
bad investment, eh? This way your
economy continues to benefit from
helping us, and we remain grateful and
pathetic. It’s a Win-Win, Can-Do
approach!
Yours in humility, ignorance and
misery.
African Future Inc. (B Wainaina,
potential MD)
Binyavanga Wainaina, the founding
editor of Kwani, a leading Kenyan
literary magazine (www.kwani.org)
based in Nairobi, is a member of
Concerned Writers for Kenya, a coalition
of Kenyan writers for peace and sanity. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
