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The
True Muslim Woman :: المرآة
المسلمة
الحقّ
The
Muslim Woman and Her Rabb
A- Her daughter-in-law
Her attitude
towards her daughter-in-law
The Muslim woman who
understands the teachings of her
religion and who is of a high character,
regards her daughter-in-law as she
regards her own daughters. Fate has made
this woman the wife of her son, and she
has joined the family and become one of
its members. Similarly, when the young
Muslim woman who has been brought up
with Islamic values and attitudes leaves
her parents' home and goes to live with
her new husband, she regards her
mother-in-law as she does her own
mother.
She knows how to
make a good choice
in selecting a
daughter-in-law
Thus before any
marriage takes place, it is very
important for both parties (both
potential mothers-in-law and potential
daughters-in-law) to be very careful in
making the right choice. When seeking
spouses for her sons and daughters, a
mother must examine each candidate's
religious commitment and character, and
look for a sound upbringing and good
reputation.
When the wise Muslim
woman looks for a wife for her son, she
always bears in mind the fact that this
will be a new daughter joining her
family, one who should enjoy the same
respect and love as her own daughters,
and who will share their duties within
the framework of the greater family. She
should want for her new daughter-in-law
nothing but success, happiness and
stability in marriage. So the wise
mother will not be attracted by those
girls who appear pretty and cheerful on
the outside only; she will also require
her future daughter-in-law first and
foremost to be strong in her commitment
to Islam, and to be of a good and
balanced character. This is in
accordance with the teaching of the
Prophet (PBUH):
"A woman may be
married for four reasons: her wealth,
her lineage, her beauty or her
religion; choose the one who is
religious, may your hands be rubbed
with dust!"1
She knows her place
On the basis of this
correct understanding of the
daughter-in-law's position in marriage
and her position in her new family, the
mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law
properly and fairly in all circumstances
and at all times.
It never crosses the
mind of the Muslim mother-in-law who is
filled with Islamic values, that this
woman has stolen the son whom she spent
long years bringing up only to be taken
away, when he reached the age of manhood
and became able to work and make
sacrifices, by a wife who would lead him
into a happy home where he would forget
everything that his mother had ever done
for him. Such evil thoughts never occur
to the righteous Muslim woman, because
she understands the laws of Allah (SWT)
that apply in this life, and she knews
that her son, to whom she taught Islamic
values from early childhood, cannot be
made to forget his mother by his
beautiful wife, just as the
daughter-in-law whom she chose for her
son from among the good, believing young
women, would never accept for her
husband to forget his mother in this
way, which is precisely that
disobedience which has been forbidden by
Islam.
If she feels any
stirrings of jealousy at some moment of
human weakness, she seeks refuge in her
faith and fear of Allah (SWT), and so
she sheds these hateful feelings and
returns to a proper opinion of her
daughter-in-law. This is the attitude of
the righteous believers, men and women
alike, when they are struck by some evil
thought they turn to Allah (SWT):
( Those who fear
Allah, when a thought of evil from
Satan assaults them, bring Allah to
remembrance, when lo! They see
[aright]!) (Qur'an 7:201)
Hence a balance is struck
between the daughter-in-law, the
mother-in-law and the husband, and
matters may run their natural, peaceful
course unaffected by misguided whims and
desires and governed instead by
religion, reason and wisdom.
She gives advice
but does not interfere
in their private
life
From the moment her
daughter-in-law is brought as a bride to
her son, the wise Muslim woman remembers
that her daughter-in-law has the right
to live her married life in all aspects
- so long as it remains within the
limits of Islamic teaching - and that
no-one has the right to interfere in the
private life of the spouses except in
cases where it is essential to do so, as
every Muslim is required to give sincere
advice in accordance with the Prophet's
words: "Religion is sincere advice
(nasihah) . . ."2
The Muslim
mother-in-law's standard in her
behaviour towards her daughter-in-law is
her behaviour towards her own daughter:
just as she wants her daughter to have a
happy, successful and independent
marriage, undisturbed by any
interference in her private life, so she
wishes the same for her daughter-in-law,
with no exceptions.
She respects her
and treats her well
The good Muslim
mother-in-law respects her
daughter-in-law and treats her well; she
makes her feel that she is loved and
appreciated; she listens to her thoughts
and opinions, approving and encouraging
those that are good, and gently
correcting those that are mistaken. In
all of this, the mother-in-law's aim is
to be fair and just, so she judges her
daughter-in-law exactly as she would
judge her daughter if she were in her
place giving her opinion to her mother,
in accordance with the words of the
Qur'an:
( O you who believe!
Fear Allah, and [always] say a word
directed to the Right.) (Qur'an
33:70)
She does not omit to
express the joy that she feels from time
to time, when she sees that her son is
happy with his wife, and this adds to
the best feelings that her son and
daughter-in-law feel. Similarly, she
does not forget to include her
daughter-in-law on various occasions,
just as she thinks of her daughters, so
she lets her accompany them, and makes
her feel that she is one of them, and
that she is a beloved member of the
family since she is married to her
beloved son.
In this way the
mother-in-law becomes dear to her
daughter-in-law, because she shows that
her daughter-in-law is dear to her. This
is in direct contrast to the practice in
those backward, jahili societies
that have deviated from the guidance of
Allah (SWT), where hatred and despicable
plots between mothers-in-law and
daughters-in-law are the norm, to such
an extent that this enmity has become a
traditional, inevitable phenomenon,
about which there are many folk sayings
and popular songs. None of this could
have happened if both mothers-in-law and
daughters-in-law had really respected
one another's rights as outlined by
Islam, and had stayed within the limits
prescribed by Allah (SWT). This is why
the traditional enmity between the
mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law
disappeared in those societies that
truly embraced Islam and adhered to its
teachings and values.
She is wise and
fair in her judgement
of her
daughter-in-law
A mother-in-law may
find herself being tested by a
daughter-in-law who is not of good
character, one who does not treat others
well. Here we see the need for the
mother-in-law to exercise wisdom and
sophistication by repelling evil with
something better, as stated in the
Qur'an:
( Nor can Goodness
and Evil be equal. Repel [Evil] with
what is better: then will he between
whom and you was hatred become as it
were your friend and intimate!And no
one will be granted such goodness
except those who exercise patience and
self-restraint – none but persons of
the greatest good fortune.) (Qur'an
41:34-35)
One way in which a
mother-in-law may repel evil with
something better is by concealing her
daughter-in-law's negative qualities and
mistakes from her son as much as
possible, advising her daughter-in-law
on her own and explaining how keen she
is for the marriage to continue on the
basis of love and good works. The
mother-in-law should continue to advise
her daughter-in-law until she rids
herself of those negative qualities, or
at least minimizes them. Thus the
daughter-in-law will feel that she has a
sincere, loving mother-in-law, not a
fearsome enemy who is just waiting for
her to stumble.
The wise Muslim
mother-in-law remains fair and just when
she judges between her daughter-in-law
and her son, if she sees her son
mistreating her daughter-in-law. Her
awarenessand fear of Allah (SWT) prevent
her frowith her son at the expense of
the truth, so she does not support him
in oppressing his wife or in doing
wrong. This is in accordance with the
words of the Qur'an:
( . . . Whenever you
speak, speak justly, even if a near
relative is concerned . . .) (Qur'an
6:152)
( . . . And when
you judge between man and man, that
you judge with justice . . .) (Qur'an
4:58)
The Muslim woman who is
truly following this guidance will never
commit the sin of oppression, and will
never be content to give any judgement
except that which is fair, even if this
means judging in favour of her
daughter-in-law and against her son.
B - Her son-in-law
Her attitude
towards her son-in-law
The attitude of the
truly-guided Muslim woman towards her
sons-in-law is no different than her
attitude towards her daughters-in-law.
She treats her daughter-in-law as if she
were one of her own daughters, and
similarly she treats her son-in-law as
if he were one of her own sons. Just as
she wants her own son to be one of the
best of people, so she also wants her
son-in-law to be one of the best of
people too.
She knows how to
make a good choice
in selecting a
son-in-law
So she makes a good
choice when selecting a son-in-law,
accepting none but one who is religious,
well-mannered and has a good reputation,
as the Prophet (PBUH) encouraged Muslims
to do in the hadith:
"If there comes to
you one with whose religious
commitment and character you are
pleased, then marry your daughter to
him; if you do not do so, it will be a
cause of fitnah and widespread
mischief on earth."3
In seeking a spouse for
her daughter, she is not attracted only
by a smart appearance, high status or
plentiful wealth, because she knows that
by marrying her daughter to this man she
is going to gain a son, to whom she will
entrust her daughter's honour, life and
happiness, none of which may be
protected or properly taken care of
except by a man who is well-mannered,
religious, noble, chivalrous and moral.
She respects and
honours him
Not surprisingly, her
son-in-law is on the receiving end of
her honour, respect and appreciation. At
every opportunity she makes him feel
that he has become a member of the
family by marrying her daughter, so she
wishes him and her daughter happiness
and success in their life together. She
lets him know that he is the one to whom
she has entrusted the precious honour of
her daughter, and in whom she places her
hopes for the achievement of her
daughter's fondest wishes. She makes him
feel that she is a second mother to him,
so she does not withhold any advice, or
spare any effort to do whatever will
bring happiness to him, his wife and his
children.
She helps her
daughter to be
a good wife to her
husband
The wise Muslim woman
never ceases to offer advice to her
daughter in ways that will be of benefit
to her in running her household and
taking care of her husband and children.
She always points out to her daughter
anything that will please her husband
and make him happy, and encourages her
to undertake the duties of a wife and
mother in the best way possible. If she
notices any shortcoming, negligence or
carelessness on the part of her
daughter, she hastens to correct and
advise her, and helps her to make up for
the shortcoming, so that there will be
no reason for her son-in-law to look
down on her daughter. She does not
neglect to mention her son-in-law's good
characteristics from time to time, so
that her daughter will become more fond
of him, and more content with what Allah
(SWT) has given her. In this way, a
mother becomes the greatest help to her
daughter in consolidating her marriage
and making it happy.
She is fair, and is
never biased in favour of her daughter
The Muslim
mother-in-law is always fair in her
opinions and judgements if any
misunderstanding arises between her
daughter and son-in-law, or if she
notices any failure on her daughter's
part to be a good wife or to perform her
domestic duties or to take care of her
husband's legitimate desires. She does
not stand by her daughter, rather she
speaks words of fairness and truth, as
commanded by Allah (SWT) in the Qur'an:
( . . . Whenever you
speak, speak justly, even if a near
relative is concerned . . .) (Qur'an
6:152)
( . . . And when
you judge between man and man, that
you judge with justice . . .) (Qur'an
4:58)
If she notices that her
daughter tends to take a lot of money
from her husband or spends
extravagantly, and that her words of
advice to her daughter are not heeded,
then she speaks out, explaining to her
daughter the error of her ways and
pointing out how she has transgressed
the limits laid down by Islam with
regard to spending, as has been outlined
in the Qur'anic description of the
honoured, truly-guided servants of Allah
(SWT):
( Those who, when
they spend, are not extravagant and
not niggardly, but hold a just
[balance] between those [extremes].) (Qur'an
25:67)
If what she notices on
her daughter's part is excessive power
and a tendency to undermine her
husband's honour and qawwamah,
she hastens to explain to her daughter
in the clearest terms that men are qawwamun
over women, as the Qur'an says:
( Men are the
protectors and maintainers of women,
because Allah has given the one more
[strength] than the other, and because
they support them from their means . .
.) (Qur'an 4:34)
and that men have been
given this role of protecting and
maintaining women for two essential
reasons which women should never forget:
the precedence given to men, and the
wealth that they spend on women:
( . . . but men have
a degree [of advantage] over them.) (Qur'an
2:228)
The mother-in-law who is
adhering to Islam and who is wise and
fair does not differentiate between her
son and her son-in-law. Just as she
wants her son to fulfil his role as qawwam
over his wife and to conduct his
marriage wisely, seriously and in a
manly fashion, so she wants the same
thing for her son-in-law too, even if
that means that her daughter has to face
some strictness, because justice demands
that of every woman who believes in
Allah (SWT) and the Last Day.
Just as the Muslim
mother-in-law will criticize her
daughter-in-law if necessary for any
extravagance that she may notice, out of
compassion towards her son, she will
also criticize her own daughter if she
oversteps the limits, in order to be
fair and just, and in obedience to the
words of the Qur'an:
( . . . Whenever you
speak, speak justly, even if a near
relative is concerned . . .) (Qur'an
6:152)
She deals with
problems wisely
A son-in-law may be of
a certain mentality with which his wife
and mother-in-law do not feel at ease,
which may result in mutual dislike and
arguments. In such cases, the duty of
the mother-in-law who understands the
teachings of Islam is to approach her
son-in-law in a sensitive manner, taking
into account his particular mentality
and nature, to deal with him wisely, and
never to despair of reaching her goal
with a measure of patience and
persistence.
She is always very
careful never to exaggerate her
son-in-law's negative points to her
daughter; rather, so long as those
negative aspects do not affect his
religion or moral character and do not
warrant the end of the marriage, she
tries to make them look as small as
possible, whilst striving to deal with
them by legitimate means and wise
methods.
Thus the mother-in-law
who is truly guided by Islam becomes a
blessing and a source of goodness for
her daughter and her husband, offering
solid support to their marriage and
proving by her fairness and piety that
she is indeed a second mother to the
husband, not the traditional enemy of
the couple, as she is often described in
backward, jahili societies where
comedians tell funny stories of that
everlasting enmity which in fact is the
result of the Muslims' failure to
properly apply the laws and values of
their religion.
We may well imagine
the great happiness felt by both
families - her son's family and her
daughter's family - towards this wise,
sensitive, pious mother-in-law, when she
is sincere and loved by both her
son-in-law and her daughter-in-law, and
this love is reflected in the happiness
oboth families.
By virtue of her taqwa,
fairness and good to her son- and
daughter-in-law, she increases the
happiness of her daughter and son, and
contributes to the comfort and
tranquillity of their families.
How beautiful are the
deeds of the intelligent, believing
mother-in-law, and how great is the need
of her sons' and daughters' families for
her!
Footnotes:
- (Bukhari and
Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 9/8,
Kitab al-nikah, bab ikhtiyar dhat
al-din.
- Sahih Muslim, 2/37,
Kitab al-iman, bab bayan an al-din
al-nasihah.
- A hasan hadith
narrated by Tirmidhi, 2/274, Abwab
al-nikah, 3; Ibn Majah, 1/633, Kitab
al-nikah, bab al-akfa'.
-
The
Muslim Woman And Her Rabb
-
The
Muslim woman And Her Own
Self
-
The
Muslim Woman And Her Parents
-
The
Muslim Woman And Her Husband
-
The
Muslim Woman And Her
Children
-
The
Muslim Woman And Her
Sons-in-law &
Daughters-in-law
-
The
Muslim Woman and Her
Relatives
-
The
Muslim woman and Her
Neighbours
-
The
Muslim Woman and Her Friends
And Sisters in Islam
-
The
Muslim Woman and Community /
Society
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The
Muslim Woman Articles
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