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Why We Must Stay In
Iraq Forever Or At least Until The Oil Runs Out
Posted By Douglas Herman douglasherman7@yahoo.com
Patriotic Iraqis celebrated the four year liberation of
Baghdad over the weekend. Thousands of jubilant citizens
commemorated the valiant, and continuous, US liberation of
oil-rich Iraq by waving flags and honking horns.
"We wrap ourselves in the Iraq flag," said
shopkeeper Mufti al Arabi, "to thank Allah we are alive
to witness this glorious liberation."
The oil rich land, once ruled by a bloodthirsty despot who
openly planned to sell oil in foreign currency, fell suddenly
after the terrible dictator mentioned oil and euro in the same
sentence.
"Had Saddam carried out his vile plan," said
Federal Reserve spokeman, Jerome "Jerry" Goldman,
"Our cartel of supplying paper US dollars to US citizens
at a profit might have been threatened. Thankfully, Saddam was
toppled when he was."
"Yes, Thankfully Saddam is gone," said US Army
Major General Frank Abraham, speaking frankly. "You see;
I'd like to retire with three stars. I've only got two stars
now but if I stay here in the Green Zone for eight more
months, I can retire with three and then become a highly-paid
defense consultant."
By seeing the big picture, war proponents claim, we can
understand WHY it is necessary to remain in Iraq forever. Or
at least until the oil runs out in fifty or a hundred years.
Rosy Forecast?
"Things are coming along very nicely," agreed
Devlin Cockerham, Halliburton Vice-President, surrounded by
the din and dust of heavy equipment in downtown Baghdad.
Standing beneath a pair of busy cranes in the Green Zone,
Cockerham looked around and observed. "In another ten or
twenty years, you won't recognize this place. You'll see a lot
more permanent structures, maybe even some corporate
headquarters here."
Foreman Dale Whitaker, of Houston, agreed. "We're
standing at the hub of Oil City, USA. Sure it looks like a
construction site now but just you wait! When we're done
building here, all the oil traffic in the Middle east will be
funneled and controlled from right here."
"It will be like the Vatican City, except bigger and
better armed," added Republican Congressman (SC), Herbert
Graham on a fact-finding junket that would take him to nearby
Bangkok, Thailand. "But instead of one pope calling the
shots, all the decisions will be made by the popes of
petroleum."
US Analysts have long noted the overwhelming need for cheap
oil supplies while propping up the US dollar, while
simultaneously filling the pockets of special interests, while
at the same time, exercising the US military in real time war
scenarios. No place else in the world fits all those
qualifications as does Iraq.
"If Iraq didn't exist, we'd have to invent it,"
said Exxon insider, Ebenezer Marley. "We live in amazing
times, at the crossroads of opportunity and advantage. Most of
the world's crude oil lies right here and since we Americans
use most of the world's oil, we're in the right place at the
right time. At least, I know I am."
Members at the prestigious Council on Foreign Relations (CFR)
who spoke on record, agreed with Marley.
James Whitehurst, longtime member of CFR, said: "We
had hoped for a capitulation of the Iraqi people before now,
in order to fully open the spigots, but with a few more surges
over the next decade or two, we should subjugate, I mean
consolidate Iraq, into our sphere of influence."
Architect and site foreman Whitaker agreed. "By 2020,
Iraq will resemble east Texas, and that's no hindsight, that's
a promise."
Many members of CFR share the same level-headed optimism.
"My portfolio is heavy with Iraq investments," Said
Richard C. Foulwell. "Once we have divested the country
of those few dead-enders living there, I expect trillions in
rewards to the risk takers like ourselves."
"Dead-enders," a term long embraced by many
council members, was often uttered by CFR favorites, Don
Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney, to describe anyone not on board the
CFR gravy train.
Like increasing members of the US military, patrolling
oil-rich Iraq. Like Private First Class, Marcus Cranwell. PFC
Cranwell wasn't always so uncertain, however. "But
nowadays, nobody in my platoon is sure what are mission is
here in Iraq."
PFC Cranwell then added, more than a little chagrined:
" This is my third rotation here in Iraq, and maybe by
the fourth or fifth, or even sixth tour of duty, I'll
understand what I'm doing here."
Cranwell, like many in his platoon, were swayed by promises
of government funds for college education. Most, if not all
recruits like Cranwell, failed to see the big picture: how
their presence in the oil-rich land bolsters the salient image
of liberation and security back home in oil-poor America.
"All the Cranwells in America need to continue doing
their small part forever," said CFR members Foulwell and
Whitehurst, "While we do ours. That's what makes American
so great; we all do our patriotic part."
Thankfully, the few naysayer like Cranwell fail to sway the
optimism of most knowledgeable people back home in America. In
Washington DC and New York City, the only two cities in
America that really matter, the image of Iraq is that
liberation, and hence occupation, will require centuries.
"Rome wasn't built in a day, " said Republican
Senator Clancy McClain. "Rome needed centuries to
subjugate their empire and we're no different than Rome. We're
making good progress and I fully expect, by the end of the
century we'll have fully liberated and peacefulized the
peoples of Iraq."
Recently the Arizona senator toured the neighborhood
nearest the Green Zone and came away impressed.
"I was impressed with the peacefulness of the
marketplace," said McClain. "If you hadn't told me
otherwise, I would have mistaken it for a flea market in
downtown Phoenix."
Later McClain returned to the bustling Green Zone,
accompanied by a convoy of fellow shoppers in Bradley Fighting
Vehicles and bargain hunters in their heavily armed Blackhawk
helicopters. Those interviewed agreed the downtown Baghdad
marketplace was peaceful at all times, right up to the moment
they left it.
"I got me five carpets for five dollars," said
Republican Congressman, Conan Spense, from Indiana.
"If that ain't progress I don't know what is."
However, reports later that day, since confirmed, claimed
22 bargain hunters were missing and presumed tortured and
killed, abducted from the same marketplace. Skeptics
interviewed in the Green Zone, however, claimed the incident
was either an unfortunate coincidence, freak accident or
liberal propaganda.
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