She
Formed A Relationship With A Man Over The Phone, And She
Wants Advice
Islamic Rulings -
Living Shariah Verdicts
Islamic Questions & Answers
I am a young woman who had an extremely personal
problem, and I could not find anyone but one virtuous
man to solve it, but he could not, and the problem
ended, praise be to Allaah. The problem is that when I
spoke to this man on the phone, he told me, after the
problem was solved, to look for a righteous husband.
He asked me to call him every two weeks, but I refused
and told him that when he found a good man, he could
contact me through e-mail so that I could phone him.
Months went by and he wrote to me and I phoned him. He
asked me for my details and I gave him all that over
the phone, but during the conversation he was joking
with me a great deal, and again he told me to call him
because contacting one another by phone was better, as
he said. Should I do that or not? Please note that I
have become affected by his words and I started to
think of him a great deal. He said words that affect
me somewhat, such as, “I love you for the sake of
Allaah” or “I feel comfortable with you”. Is it
permissible for a man to say to a non-mahram woman, “I
love you for the sake of Allaah” or not? Finally, I
hope that you can advise me as to how I can solve this
problem?.
Praise be to Allaah.
A man has no right to say to a non-mahram woman, “I
love you for the sake of Allaah” or “I feel
comfortable with you”, or to joke with her, because of
the fitnah involved in that, especially if she is
young. Such words or jokes usually lead to fitnah of
the heart and becoming attached to the one who says
such things. This is what has happened in your case,
and Allaah is the One Whose help we seek.
Some men may do this out of heedlessness and with good
intentions, and they may be righteous and good,
because they are used to speaking in this manner. We
do not think badly of the one who has said this, but
his speaking in this manner to a young woman like you
is a mistake and is undoubtedly haraam. It is
sufficient for you to remember that the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Sin is
that which wavers in your heart and which you dislike
people finding out about.” Narrated by Muslim, 2553.
We do not think that this man or anyone else would
like people to know that he said to a young woman like
you, “I love you for the sake of Allaah” or “I feel
comfortable with you”.
With regard to his efforts to find you a righteous
husband, there is nothing wrong with his doing that,
rather this is something good for which he will be
rewarded by Allaah. But he does not have the right to
get to know your details, i.e., details that have to
do with your appearance. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No woman
should mix with a woman and describe her to her
husband so that it is as if he can see her.” Narrated
by Muslim, 5240. So how about if the woman is
describing herself?
Rather it is permissible for the one who is proposing
marriage to look at the one to whom he wishes to
propose marriage, because of the interests that may be
served by that, subject to the condition that he is
seriously interested in marrying the woman if he finds
her pleasing.
The one who wants to propose marriage may learn about
the characteristics of the one to whom he wants to
propose, based on what has been stated by the
scholars, that it is permissible to look at the woman
to whom one wants to propose marriage without her
knowledge, so as to avoid the embarrassment that may
result from going to her wali (guardian) then not
going ahead with the proposal after seeing her.
No man – whether he is righteous or otherwise – has
the right to find out these characteristics. The man
mentioned should have asked his family to act as
go-betweens or asked other righteous women to take
care of this matter.
What you have to do now is to cut off all ties with
this man completely, whether by phone or by mail. And
you have to ask Allaah for forgiveness and repent to
Him from your negligence in this matter and telling
this non-mahram about your characteristics.
The fact that you are upset by this matter and are
worried about its effect on yourself and your worship
is a sign that your heart is (spiritually) alive,
praise be to Allaah.
Daa’iyahs, those who give advice and teachers should
beware of the traps and tricks of the Shaytaan, and
they should remember the words of the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “I am not
leaving behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to
men than women.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5096;
Muslim, 2740.
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “This world is fresh and sweet, and Allaah has
appointed you over it, so see how you will do. Fear
this world and fear women, for the first fitnah faced
by the Children of Israel had to do with women.”
Narrated by Muslim, 2742.
May Allaah help us and you to remain chaste and
righteous.
And Allaah knows best
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