Should She Tell Her Fiancé That She Lost Her Virginity Or Should She Cancel The Engagement?

Islamic Rulings - Living Shariah Verdicts

Islamic Questions & Answers

My friend was in love with a boy when she was thirteen years old, and he was ten years older than her. She used to do everything for him, to the extent that she forgot remembrance of Allah, despite the fact that she is from a religious family. He was everything to her, and she did not pray except to ask Allah that he marry her. She didn't do anything unless it was for his sake; she even committed zina with him. But she was young and did not know what she was doing. She went to a female doctor she knows, who found that there was a small hole in her hymen. My friend began to feel remorse and to ask Allah for forgiveness and to pray, and that young man left her for another girl. After a while, after she reached university age, a pious young man proposed marriage to her, and he did not know what she had done. She went to another doctor who shocked her when she told her that it is essential to repair the hole in her hymen. After she agreed to accept his proposal, she does not know what she should do. Should she cancel her engagement to this fiancé whom she loves, or should she have the repair done, or what should she do? Please advise me, may Allah reward you

Praise be to Allaah.

This calamity is not the first and it will not be the last. The strongest temptation is the temptation of men by women and of women by men.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

The mixing of one gender with the other is the cause of fitnah. When men mix with women, it is like mixing fire and wood. End quote.

Al-Istiqaamah, 1/361

This is the fire that was lit between them, then he left her after committing immoral actions with her, and went to someone else.

It is also something that happens repeatedly: he deceives her, then he commits immoral actions with her, then he leaves her and, for marriage and starting a family, he looks for a woman whom he can trust. But, unfortunately, no one learns this lesson and understands the true nature of the deceit until it is too late, or before regret sets in when regret is to no avail?

We ask Allah to accept her repentance and that of every sinner, and we pray that she will learn from this experience the hard and bitter lesson of how Allah wants guidance and righteousness for His slaves, whereas the Shaytaan and his cohorts want to misguide them and lead them astray.

Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Allaah wishes to make clear (what is lawful and what is unlawful) to you, and to show you the ways of those before you, and accept your repentance, and Allaah is All-Knower, All-Wise.

27. Allaah wishes to accept your repentance, but those who follow their lusts, wish that you (believers) should deviate tremendously away (from the Right Path).

28. Allaah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave sexual intercourse with woman)"

[al-Nisa' 4:26-28].

But what has happened has happened. Now the most important thing that your friend has to do is to repent, and the greatest right that she has over you is that you should help her to repent sincerely and to regret what has passed, and to understand the effects of the Shaytaan's trick on her, in the hope that Allah will accept her repentance and conceal her with His beautiful concealment.

With regard to her engagement, she should go ahead with it, so long as she thinks that the young man is good and righteous. She should not repair the hymen that was broken because of this immoral action, because this is deceit and cheating; but at the same time she should not expose herself to scandal. Rather she should go ahead with that as Allah wills; perhaps Allah will conceal her.

If her husband does not find out about that after marriage and Allah conceals her, then she should continue as she is.

If he finds out that the hymen had been broken, she can hint that it was broken as a result of an accident or some such; hymens are often broken as a result of such things.

See also the answers to questions no. 844, 96214 and 70273.

If that is not possible, and the husband finds out that the hymen has been broken, he may annul the marriage, if he wants to, and take back what he had given her of the mahr and costs of the marriage.

Perhaps if she tells him about what happened, he will conceal her. But the annulment of her marriage, even after a short time, may be better and more concealing for her, because after that she will be a divorced woman and when she gets married again, it will on the basis that she was previously married.

And Allah is the source of strength and the Guide to the straight path.

He promised to marry her, then he became religious and mended his ways, and realised that she is not suitable for him

There is a man who was not committed to religion and he used to look at his female neighbour, out of negligence on his part, thinking that there was nothing wrong with it, due to the state of the society in which he lives. This continued for a while, without him speaking directly to her, but he was attracted to her and she to him. When Allaah guided him, he realised that what he had been doing was sinful and wrong, so he decided to end this relationship. He informed the girl about this without speaking to her directly, and promised to marry her after she finished her studies. With the passage of time, this person became more religious and realised that this girl would not be suitable as a wife for him according to the standards of sharee'ah, because she was brought up by a bad mother, so he decided not to marry her. But now he is confused as to what to do. Does he have the right not to marry her and break his promise to her? Is there any sin on him in that case? Otherwise what is the solution?
Please note that there is a young man who was keen to propose to this girl, but when he found out that the person who is asking this question wanted to marry her, he gave up the idea.

Praise be to Allaah.

This young man should praise Allaah for having helped him and guided him, and diverted him from the ways of haraam and evil. He is not obliged to marry this girl even if he promised her that. It is permissible for a man to cancel a proposal if he finds justification for doing so, such as if he realises that the girl is not suitable for him, so how about if the proposal has not been made? He has to look for a girl who is religiously committed, of good attitude and good upbringing, and he should end his relationship with this girl and any woman who is a stranger or non-mahram to him.

We ask Allaah to guide him and make him steadfast.

And Allaah knows best.

Pre-marital relationships are not permissible

I am in a relationship with a guy who can not make up his mind to get married. I have not yet became a muslim and I will soon We have talked about this being wrong for us to be together and if he was back in XXX, that he would not be able. I feel like wrong is wrong, and even if I hav not yet converted, that should not be the problem. His family wants him to come home, but when does a man have the right to make a choice? Maybe, because I am from the US I don't understand the whole thing about family. When you have a wife or someone to be your wife, is she not your family too?
Please help me to do what is right.

Praise be to Allaah.

It is true what you have said, that wrong is wrong. In Islam, pre-marriage relationships are not permissible. We believe that adultery is not permissible not only in Islam, but also in all religions of Allah (God). I believe that the gentleman of nationality XXX whom you are seeing is not serious in getting married, because if he were, he would have married you from the very beginning. In Islam, a man must respect the will of his parents, and in some cases he must obey them. You, in your present status, are not a member of his family. When you become his wife, then you are considered to be his family. Yet even then, if a father orders his son to divorce his wife because, for example, she has bad reputation or she is not a good Muslim, he must obey his father. My advice to you is to think seriously in embracing Islam, not for the sake of this man, but for the salvation of your soul and body from Hellfire. I believe by now, you have a good idea what Islam is, putting aside the bad example this gentleman has been setting. Therefor, you should stop seeing this man and you should become Muslim. If his love to you is genuine, he will propose to you. If he doesn't, then be sure that Allah will not leave you alone, and as He guided you to his religion, He will send you a good Muslim who will cherish you and give you a decent life as a wife not as a mistress. I pray to Allah that He may enlighten your heart with Islam and guide you to make the right choice.

Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid


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